On a professional level, only a black dress ceremony is stopping me from the three lettered bragging / begging rights. Travel plans are being made to come and meet you and have fun. Also, I have got work and Madras will be the place for it.

MBA is like ‘Quake 3’ in 1998 on a celeron processor. Massively resource hungry, expensive and a deathmatch til the end. The only good thing was getting a few good people to feel miserable together. I always hate the kinds who suddenly become wiser once they do MBA so I will refrain talking about the professional front anymore.

On the mind-sport level it has been an inconceivable year. I won three Big BIZ Quizzes with a lot of help from a legendary “Lord”. The mind-sport also took me to the Mallu_land as well as the eastern provinces of the country where apart from watching the pantheon of Calcutta quizzing, I also met some really cool people and a good friend. Among the many firsts was attending Satyajit Chetri’s famous MELA quiz, even if as an audience member, which I had just heard of. Classic Chetri quiz, it was.

Cuisine: Well, 3 new variants of Biryani were had, of which two were instant classics. With discoveries like Sachertorte, mutton stew at Arsalan, stir fried Pak Choi, Thalapakattu Biryani, plain dosa and chicken chettinad at Sri Vignesh, the very garlicky roasted chicken at Nautilus and Cochin fish curry in Cochin, it was a year well spent. Among many firsts were my first emu, squid and the Sparky’s beefy Friday dinner buffet. Well…I just tried to eat all I could.

The personal front is as always most exciting. After being in love for so many years I lost interest as I found someone new and far more exciting. I still go back to the previous love at times to reduce the guilt but the new one is truly in pole position. I had always loved you “Trebuchet” but Hello “Candara”! I never really thought I can get over Trebuchet. I was obsessed with it. Case studies, assignment reports and presentations – all had to be in Trebuchet. My study group members also got the instructions – Trebuchet, 12. And suddenly one day, I saw a presentation with Candara. It changed my world. It’s going to be Candara for sometime unless instructed otherwise.

Now what? Well, blogging and travel for sure. Meeting old friends, food and some shopping are also in order before joining. Recuperation in Bhubaneswar is underway – eating homemade food from the comfort of my beanbag and watching terabytes of “educational documentaries”, courtesy “The Bearded One”. No seriously, if you haven’t taken them from him, I strongly suggest you do. He has some of the best documentaries with him and I really mean documentaries. You slime balls are inherently horny!

The year was also particularly spent in studying people and managing environments. Yes, I have to sound a tad gaseous, no! In domains such as complexities_in_a_community, truth behind networking, politics and bitching – a whole new level of learning was achieved.

Inspired by all this, I am also contemplating a tell-all book about the MBA life where I expose everyone’s dirty secrets. It will be titled, “Lust, Bust but Outpass, you must” subtitled “Tales of survival, management and strange Bed Partners!” Relax, I will change the names.

While this video is self-explanatory, let me be out with it: Tom Cruise is the best runner in Hollywood. To make things more obvious, I have also dedicated the blog title to his famous quote and the mayhem that ensued after, in the Spielberg adaptation of Phillip K Dick’s ‘Minority Report’.

While watching this video I had this idea. Why not have a top 5 list of my favorite best runs / chase scenes in Hindi cinema? And hence a year long hiatus was over.

There will be criteria:

1. It has to be running. No car chases, train top chases, no horses and no parkour because Bollywood sucks at it (See ‘Drona’, and how AB’s baby makes parkour look ugly. Plain and simple running.
2. No realism please. If it’s real, it is out. We want melodrama, action and that larger than life feeling. Points for over the top as well. (Out go Black Friday and Sarfarosh)
3. If you are hot and sexy like Urmila Matondkar, bonus points.
4. If there is a hit (collision) involved, you get a look in
5. Multiple angle replays, you get a look in
6. It has to be iconic. Duration isn’t of much importance. It has to be memorable.

Here goes:

No. 5 -> Urmila vs Jackie, Tanha Tanha

Totally at a loss here to select the winner. While, I was all for Jaggu dada and his “bare minimal” run, it was just too much to ignore Urmila’s psychedelic gazelle like saunter across the sands of Anjuna. The magnetic banyan (vest) clinches it for Urmila. Set to the hypnotic tune of Rahman, the Tanha Tanha run gave the entire nation a hard-on and RGV and Urmila, a career nitro boost into Bollywood hierarchy.

No. 4  -> SRK vs Sunny, Darr

Again a close call. This classic had all that I wanted from a Bollywood chase scene. Good vs evil, dramatic moments, sensational background music, Juhi Chawla (!!), the turns and swerves, the breaks, the collision shots, the Tour de France cyclists, narrow by-lanes, slow-mo, the so_near_yet_so_farness. Sunny Deol wins, of course with his dhai kilo ka haath shot at the end.

No. 3 -> Raj vs Simran, DDLJ

Raj and Simran run around in circles without knowing that they are destined to be together. Raj runs and catches the train. Simran is late and makes a final dash to the door. Raj turns back, has time for a little show off and the trademark SRK smugness, offers his hand. The 10 second dash to togetherness and love is epic. Don’t go by the length of the run, it was enough to make an entire nation, fall in love! Aww…and still going strong. Verdict: Joint winners, of course.

No. 2 -> Sidhu vs Charlie, Dus ki daud

Aamir does a star turn in Ghulam with his iconic “Dus ki daud”. He does “the method” with his characteristic huffing and puffing on the rail tracks. Deepak Tijori’s peccadilloes like Oops!, Fox and Big Boss Season 1 can be forgiven, just based on this run (and of course JJWS) which is clearly longer and far more exciting than his entire career run. A sultry Rani Mukherjee, that Dixie character and the mighty Indian Railways ensure it stays high in my Top list. Aamir wins this with the three multiple angle slow-mo shots and since he wins the ‘10 ki daud’.

No. 1 -> Vijay Verma vs Ravi Verma, Deewar

The greatest run ever by the greatest star ever! Vijay Verma and Ravi Verma make the already iconic Deewar(1975) even more so with this superlative chase scene. Big B proves, why, he is hands down the best runner of them all.(Even Mallika Sherawat thinks AB is the best runner on screen.)

Anatomy of the greatest run

Control and Pace: The narrow lanes or corridors of uncertainty are necessary. The lack of space is essential in establishing the tightness of the chase and the control of the runner over his / her body’s center of gravity.

Panache: Wearing a suit is essential. It oozes class and AB does it better with a Black and White ensemble.

BG Score: The Jazzy background score sprinkled with police sirens and Shashi Kapoor’s mellifluous “Bhaaaaaaaaaai” add to the effect.

Straight lines and the turns: The straight lines are as essential as the turns. Like a classic 200 meter showdown it’s not only about the straight_out_ of_the_blocks but also about the curves and that is why Michael Johnson was such a God.

The hit and the fall: I will ignore the temporary blindness of Big B for not seeing the big, as Big Ben, gate and colliding with it. Its not often that you get hunted down by your own brother with a gun in his hand. And, it gives the necessary fall and the billa no. 786 scene (a stroke of genius) melodrama. Nooooooo…

The gun shot: Bang bang, my baby shot me down, sang Nancy Sinatra and “bang bang, shoot my baby down”, said Nirupa Roy. Over and out.

The wobble and the fall: Amitabh makes death a thing of beauty, no doubt about it. Shahrukh has much to learn. Be it Sholay, Don, Deewar or Agneepath, Big B is also the greatest when it comes to death scenes and the wobble, fall and more wobble after the gun shot had that inevitability and beauty of death. I obviously ignore the subsequent car drive.

Honorable mentions: The Black Friday and Sarfarosh chase scenes. Too real for me. The Black Friday one is in fact an essay topic in itself about the psychology of a chase but I want cheese along with the chase.

Also rans: Akhsay Kumar (Ashaant, Khiladi series), Anil Kapoor (Kala Bazaar, Thikana) and Salman Khan (Judwaa) and Govinda in multiple movies. Big B in some 10,000 movies including Sholay, Don, Agneepath and many other movies has run admirably but Deewar run is his best.

Obligatory Dedic:

Very nice, very nice.

P.S: I vaguely remember, there was this awesome chase scene in ‘Ashaant’ by Akshay Kumar – Unable to get hold of the DVD.

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is doing awesome!.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 4,400 times in 2010. That’s about 11 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 2 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 94 posts. There were 5 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 211kb.

The busiest day of the year was June 17th with 76 views. The most popular post that day was They never met – Random scribblings inspired from “Chungking Express”..

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, en.wordpress.com, search.conduit.com, google.co.in, and jualbalik.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for thukpa, khubani and kahwa.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

They never met – Random scribblings inspired from “Chungking Express”. June 2010
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Fake glossary of the Fake IPL Player April 2009
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From Biryani to Thukpa and everything in between: Travelogue of an obsessive foodie – II May 2008
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From Biryani to Thukpa and everything in between: Travelogue of an obsessive foodie – III June 2008
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Never Trust a Skinny Chef May 2008
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People doing pre-reads while watching cricket matches, in buses on the way to watch movies (even Enthiran) and while having breakfast were a common sight. Even our jokes for a month and half became centred on LIP!! A bunch of fifty odd survivors were eating, drinking and sleeping “LIP” and doing what they must do – Survive.

A course which generated so much of hype with stories doing rounds of how a senior had to catch a flight to be just in time for a class as he didn’t want to be out of the course. With almost all the batch toppers opting for the course, it was bloodbath when it came to grades. Yes, that would be me bleeding. Egos were bruised and philosophies molded but no one gave up.

You must be wondering. Was it worth the hype, the pain and the sleepless nights and empty stomachs? You bet, it was; worth living for, worth dying for and worth going to hell for. Touted as one of the most enigmatic courses at Great Lakes and being taught by the equally enigmatic Dr. Venkat. R. Krishnan, it was also reckoned to be one of the most useful and practical. Leadership, Influence and Power (or LIP as we call it) surpassed all our expectations and left us wanting more.

Everything about it was different – loads of pre-reads consisting of two text book and numerous empirical articles, a class with 100% attendance from each student who had enrolled, a class involving everything from movies, to speeches to drama to case studies to numerous surveys, to live leadership project, to heated discussions – it was different in every conceivable way.

There were 16 classes and each was unique in its own way, right from the livid discussions to the OHP presentations (yes, you read it right – Over head projector).Each class was loaded with anticipation, partly due to the compulsory pre-reads which was tested in every class in different ways. The discussions were inflammable at times but never became ugly as the ice cool temperament of Dr. Venkat came to the fore. He will corner you with his questions so much so that only thing you can do is retort. He will most often sidestep from the centre stage and let others counter your opinion and will merely be a witness to the clash of ideologies and philosophies.

Usually every course has a definite goal. According to Dr. Venkat, the sole aim of his course was to leave us with numerous unanswered questions. I must say that he did indeed succeed.

Want to know more about the course? I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you!

- With a lot of help from my friend Shiva Krishnan

In a parallel universe they might be characters straight out of a Wong Kar Wai movie. There, they meet under surreal circumstances, mopping rooms, changing flights, listening to “California Dreamin” loudly, with a dimension breaking fourth wall collapse. They would probably work together in the “Chungking Mansions and the Midnight Express food stall”. They might even eat pineapples together picked out from cans which still wouldn’t have crossed their expiry dates. Question is, would it be worth it?

But in our very own universe, they never met. They even did not realize the closeness they shared in this real dimension. They probably bumped into each other one summer afternoon in CTC while trying to configure their PCs, ignored each other and moved on.

Sometime in the future they will drift apart to either side of the Deccan plateau, kilometers away, unaware of the closeness they shared. They might still like shades of blue in the future and still do reruns of their favorite movies but they will never meet.

P.S: What could have been should always remain in that state of that could_have_been_ness. If it happens then what is the fun? Things become hackneyed.

2. Gulaal - Unlike Firaaq, Anurag Kashyap’s Gulaal wants to punch you hard. Hard enough to knock you out in 30 seconds and when finally it does, it blows you to smithereens. I haven’t seen an angrier film in a long time and of the two  Anurag Kashyap movies released this year, I liked Gulaal more. The angst totally got me and Ransaa was a rockstar. Brilliant performances by an ensemble cast, especially Abhimanyu Singh as Ransaa who does the scenery-chewing in front of a scenery-chewing monster like Kay kay Menon, great music and some hard hitting lyrics (Piyush Mishra, who also acted in the movie) make it a treat. Although the brilliance suddenly [SPOILER ALERT] reduces by half, after the death of Ransa’s character. P.S: A probable ‘inspired’ poster and at times it feels the film could have had less symbolism. Sometimes they seem thrust up your throat. (John Lennon, colours (a given considering the movie is even named Gulaal), Sahir Ludhianvi, Guru Dutt, Rashmirathi, the yin-yang / male-female /Jungian-duality thingie etc.)

3. Dev D - Probably the movie of the year, a game changer in all senses. I had my problems with Dev D (In terms of the original material – The ‘Devdas’). Despite that and despite a rushed and lame climax, I think Dev D ushered in world cinema for mainstream movie watching public in India. The inspirations from Emir Kusturica to Wong kar Wai are all there. (Not many would have noticed, but the handpump scene, where Paro breaks down also has been done before by Madhuri Dixit in Pukar.) Still bringing all these brilliant compositions into one palette is brilliance and Anurag kashyap here, is nothing short of brilliant. The lighting, the art direction, the set designs, the soundtrack were all phenomenal. The movie also launched a probable superstar in Amit Trivedi (he definitely didn’t get his due through ‘Aamir’, the movie) and ensured Abhay Deol will remain the pin up of the indie movement. I saw it thrice in theatres and some more times on the DVD and each time ended up noticing newer things. Far too brilliant not to be the best movie of the year. Great individual scenes, great storytelling, outstanding music and some very bold sexuality and psychedelia for Indian cinema to emulate.   P.S: Dev should have died self destructing through pain and agony. I would accept no other ending for ‘Devdas’ and ignore all bull about modern times and new age man wouldn’t do so etc.

4. Luck By Chance – Probably the best film made on Hindi film industry. The aspiring stars_in_their_eyes_youngsters, the scheming superstars, the power circles, the lobbying. It shows everything and more but in a very sincere way. Honest and brilliant performances by everyone, even Sanjay Kapoor, who is funny in a short role. Farhan Akhtar gives a great follow up to his ‘ROCK ON’ performance and hits the right notes, mostly. Good music by Shankar–Ehsaan-Loy and probably the best opening credits of the year. P.S: Especially loved the cameo by SRK and Arjun Mathur’s acting.

5. Barah Aana – The movie could have been called ‘3 Idiots’ as well and still it would have worked. It proves that a story where the 3 main protagonists are a waiter, a driver and a watchman, can be far more interesting than one involving a fake IIT and a superstar actor-director team. It’s how you tell the story that matters and debutant director Raja Menon tells a brilliant story and that too in 97 minutes. Nasser again delivers a masterclass (he hardly speaks in the movie) and is ably supported by Arjun Mathur (The ‘Rock On’ friend of Farhan Akhtar) but the film is owned by Vijay Raaz who flip-flops between hilarious and heartbreaking, but brilliant throughout (The scene where the brilliant Vijay Raaz delivers a recruitment pitch to Arjun Mathur is worth a mention). A morality tale which is poignant, yet funny, Barah Aana derives it’s humor from the circumstances the three protagonists invent for themselves.

6. Delhi-6 – Somehow I feel we have overdone Mumbai movies and since it was the other city movie, far more refreshing. (Which is why maybe I have liked all Delhi movies of late: Rang De Basanti, Oye Lucky Lucky Oye, Khosla Ka Ghosla and Delhi – 6). I loved the film, no questions about it. It was supposed to be my first professional review (I took notes on my iPod touch and all. It didn’t materialize, that’s a different issue). Most would not agree with this pick, so would defend it a bit. I really didn’t have a problem with the Kala Bandar metaphor. Maybe it was overdone a bit but I felt it was a very genuine angle the director was presenting, of our times, when the release of a movie like 2012, makes the news channels go berserk with apocalyptic scenarios. Also the film went a tad preachy at times and had a totally lame climax but it also had its high points which outnumber the negatives. Rahman’s outstanding music (my pick for album of the year), the dreamy ‘Dil gira Daftan’ song sequence, Sal’s pizzeria from ‘Do the Right Thing‘ transforming into a Jalebiwala’s bandi, even the Ram Leela scenes which metaphorically carried the story ahead, a refreshing Sonam Kapoor and some genuinely funny moments. A very sincere movie by Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra, which unfortunately couldn’t come across as a complete movie and rather became a collage of beautiful scenes. For someone who wanted you to introspect and discover the real you within, it was befitting that he made his debut with a movie named ‘Aks’. P.S: Abhisek’s character should have died.

7. 99 – At a genre level, ‘99’ was a much smarter movie than Kaminey. After all both were aping Guy Ritchie movies. However where ‘99’ is far more believable and Indian in context, Kaminey is a straight out Guy Rithcie movie in Hindi. The best part of the movie is the details, which is a must for movies of this genre. Also worth mentioning is how well the movie blends the timeline of various events that marked the new millennium. P.S: Amit Mistry (acted as the hilarious Kuber) is brilliant and funny. Also Boman Irani doesn’t overact.

8. Kaminey – Watching Kaminey was like watching ‘Snatch’ in Hindi and a Guy Ritchie movie is, well, a Guy Ritchie movie. Probably the most interesting characters you would ever see in one single movie, from Mikhail and his elder brothers, Taashi, the Great, the narc cops, Bhope bhau and so many more. Unfortunately, Vishal Bharadwaj was experimenting with this genre for the first time and the grip he has with literary adaptations (The Blue Umbrella, Omkara, Maqbool) was missing. P.S: Hope he adapts another Shakespeare.

9. All The Best: Fun Begins - I loved ‘Golmaal’ (new), hated ‘Golmaal Returns’ and loved ‘All the Best’ which makes it two out of three, which is pretty decent. Bottom line being, Rohit Shetty’s humor makes me laugh and I am watching the next Rohit Shetty film at any cost. You have to ignore the first half an hour of the movie though. Keep talking to your friends and diss the pathetic Pjs or fiddle with your ipod applications (read games), check mails on blackberry etc. They are painfully bad but once the thirty minutes pass, it is hilarious. Loud but hilarious. I thought I would hate the movie but ended up laughing the loudest. [SPOILER ALERT] The moment Johnny Lever speaks, you will bleed your innards out, laughing. I was so sick of Johnny Lever after his repetitive roles that I didn’t want to see him in movies anymore but in this movie, whatever he does makes you laugh. Also noteworthy is that through this movie Fardeen Khan proves that he is much more watchable than Zayed Khan, which is a highpoint in many ways.

10. Wake Up Sid – The compromise between commercial success and new age sensibilities I was waiting for, Wake up Sid is like a very nice coffee table book; Glossy, well packaged and well informed and made with an intention to impress you. It does. Despite its cosmetic gloss the movie affects you at some level and is fairly believable. Great hummable music adds to the charm of this nice little RomCom.

Wishing you all a great new year.

सैंकड़ों के इस शहर मैं ख्वाब भी सैंकड़ों हैं,
साकार उन्हें करने की आस में सैकड़ों हैं |
सारे सपने साकार न सही, खूबसूरत चंद ही सही,
मंदिरों के इस शहर में,  मैं एक काफ़िर ही सही |

अक्सर कैमरे के साथ,
कभी सूनी, कभी भरी, सड़कों पर घूमता हूँ,
कभी दिन में, कभी रात में, पर हमेशा इस नकाबपोश शहर  का असली चेहरा ढूँढता रहता हूँ |
असलियत नहीं तो कम से कम उस चेहरे की एक तस्वीर ही सही ,
मंदिरों के इस शहर में,  मैं एक काफ़िर ही सही |

शहर धीरे धीरे मर रहा है, मैंने देखा है |
शहरवालों को बेपरवाह, इस धीमी मौत से, मैंने देखा है |
अंधों में एक काणे की आँखों देखी ही सही,
मंदिरों के इस शहर में,  मैं एक काफ़िर ही सही |

ख्वाबों के इस तानेबाने में, सच्चाई ख़त्म सी हो गयी है,
कभी था जो गुलशन, उस गुलशन से खुशबू ख़त्म सी हो गयी है,
गुलशन न रहा न सही, उसकी शानदार यादगार ही सही,

मंदिरों के इस शहर में,  मैं एक काफ़िर ही सही |

Sixteen years have passed but the damage had been done much earlier. The Liberhan report is out but the RSS, BJP and the other co-conspirators were more worried about a media leak than their responsibility in the demolition and possible indictment. In their efforts to counterpunch the Congress government they forgot their original sins. That it all started on a volatile December morning when everyone, except the rampaging Kar Sevaks, was sleeping (Narasimha Rao, literally). They forgot that their Ram Janmabhoomi was someone else’s Babri Masjid. Unreliable narrators notwithstanding, and in this case it is both the Hindus and Muslims, how a Supreme Court diktat was razed to dust. The nation still hasn’t come out of its shadow. The fall out is unfathomable. From the ’93 Mumbai blasts to spawning of vermin in the form of the Thackerays; from the venom spewing Hindu hardliners (The Togadias and the Singhals) to Godhra. Whatever happened to the ‘Secular’ state?

However this post is not going to be a what, why and when of all these events and disasters. This is more of an emotional outpour of a nonbeliever, a kafir who is proud to be an Indian yet sad that he shares his national identity with some who are totally undesirable on the face of earth.

The earliest memories are that of a frightening number (1.5 million) of Kar Sevaks and Lal Krishna Advani’s infamous juggernaut which stopped with the destruction of the edifice of Indian secularism and tolerance. I didn’t know much then, apart from the fact that it was a bad thing. I was too young and too dumb for all this. I had just seen my first cricket World Cup on an invention we call the Television. I was too happy to be sad. News channels kept on showing unlimited footage of a saffron clad lady and Trishul wielding madmen. I couldn’t understand why the lady was such a big deal and what was the significance of ‘Ek dhakka aur do’? Why was everyone calling her ‘Sexy Sanyasin’? What is the meaning of ‘sexy’? (See, I was an innocent, young boy from Talcher, a remote town in Odisha, and Dulaara (Meri pant bhi sexy fame) hadn’t been released.)

The history text books and the GK books were immediately updated. For most of us it was just another piece of trivia. Dates and Events – mug (learn by rote). It was later when the hormones started raging that I understood. Not that I could do much, but I was sad. It was ‘‘the partition’ of our times, I felt. Our generation and later ones would never be able to forget it.

People forgot about it, mostly, but have been reminded every now and then with disturbing rejoinders. We just can’t come out of the shadow of the rubble of destruction. While we were busy with our lives from celebrating Sachin’s every great innings to Sunny Deol’s Dhai kilo ka haat, we were also shocked by the 93 blasts and the rise of the  Thackerays and the Modis.

All these years, we forgot that, someone else was busy as well. Mr. Liberhan certainly was, busy with his unending and somewhat equivocal probe. Finally one morning, when the news channels again went berserk as did the BJP parliamentarians, we were yet again forced to remember the ghosts of past. Out came the haunting faces of Kalyan Singh, Uma Bharti and Govindacharya. An old previously unseen footage of the ‘untouched one’ surfaced. The clever pun on words couldn’t hide another facet of Mr. Vajpayee, of the ‘Jung na hone doonga’ fame. That the ex-PM could have said sentences like “Zameen thodi nukili hai, samtal karna padega” amidst war hungry Kar Sevaks was a shocker. Coming from where it was, it was an 8.5 on a Richter. Then came Kalyan Singh and opened his ugly mouth again saying “Maine Kar sevaks ki jaan bachaayee, Dhaancha gaya so gaya”. Seriously, how apathetic can people be? My love for the Hindi language certainly was dented a bit. Despite the command over the language that these Sangh parivarwallahs have, I just couldn’t bear them speak. They seemed so ugly.

I wanted to write, to just vent out some feelings, hatred(?). The word count tells me I have crossed 800 words. I have certainly come a long way from the days when an eight hundred word essay in English would put shivers down my spine. Alas, I can’t say the same for BJP, still stuck in a rut, trying to be an option instead of being one. If they were only confused about themselves it wouldn’t have been a problem but the fact that they are so unapologetic and indifferent about the past, a past that they created, is disturbing. 

I have as much faith in the system as I have in God and that is why I don’t think much would happen. It will linger on and by the time anything happens, most of the protagonists and accused would be sleeping again, in a Samadhi near you. Narasimha Rao certainly is, in a magnificent structure near Necklace Road. If only he could have woken up from his siesta on 6^th December, 1992.

The Crash: This stage is not directly involved with the queuing but is actually responsible for you queuing up. The Crash, in mention is that which makes you wince like never before and it occurs with unerring accuracy on every morning at 8:00 a.m and stays on for half an hour and sometimes forever till you start banging your head on the keyboard with a hope that some sort of a divine intervention would happen and you would be able to see something other than the dreaded “Service Unavailable” on your monitor. But given the sucker you are, it would not happen. You would end up cursing the fate, the railway minister, the government of India and every living was trying for the online reservation. As you would have already wasted a lot of time, you are filled with a rage, unseen and unheard of. You decide to go to the Railway Reservation Counter, the other day, decimate all opposition and stoop lower than anyone to get that ticket. You sleep sharp at 11:00 pm that day and proceed unconsciously to the next stage.

The Wake Up: The irritating buzz of the alarm wakes you up at 5:30 a.m. You search for you mobile phone in futility with eyes closed, to kill it before it mutates into an atomic bomb explosion. The mobile phone, unfortunately, is far away from you bed precisely for this reason. You wake up in anger, go near the mobile and just when you are about to throw it away, you see with your partially closed eyes, “TICKET – STN” blinking harmlessly at you. Your anger suddenly evaporates and is you are filled with pride, for the ingenious inventor who invented the concept of reminders for mobile phones. In one flash that will run a speed in excess of 24 frames per second, you would remember all that happened yesterday and you are filled with the same rage that you experienced less than 24 hours ago and you leave for the station immediately. You enjoy a great drive on the majestic roads of Bhubaneswar that lead up to the Railway Station, amusing yourself with the thought that you would be the first one at the queue and while you are nearing your destination, most suckers are sleeping.

The Horror: You park your vehicle exactly at 6:40 a.m and when you reach the counter…Counter? What counter?? You are reminded of your insignificance at the sight of at least a thousand people swarming the gate like bees. Okay, a hundred. You are horrified and your heart sinks to new lows which you surely wouldn’t have reached. What could possibly have gone wrong with your planning? You curse yourself at not listening to your Dad, who advised you to reach there by 5:00 a.m and you ignored him. You want to cry, but the situation demands men, hardened by standing in innumerable queues. Movie theatres, School bus, Prayer Hall during the morning assembly and you take control of your emotions. You eye the opposition as Sachin Tendulkar would eye the fielding Aussies in the MCG.

The Humanity: Bongs, Biharis and UPwallahs, fellow Odias. Everyone is there before you, everyone. Do people not sleep anymore? Why do so many people live in India? While you are pondering important questions like you see something that shakes your inner core. The immediate entrance of the Ticket Counter. Near the closed shutter you would see at least forty (yeah forty) people spread-eagled on newspapers near the counter. Immediately behind them you would find the other sixty who share your horror, but there is no looking back now. You have entered the war zone. The Bongs suddenly start talking aloud in English thinking they are the only ones there with the gift for languages. The Biharis and UPites shout loudly “Kuch Nahin Ho sakta, Kuch nahin ho sakta!!”. The Odias, as always, have only lovely abuses to offer. Though amused, you detach yourself from the humanity with ‘one thaing and one thaing only’ on your mind.

The Snake: You join the Snake, which is the shape of most queues in India. You forget all hopes of photography and listening to the ipod. You make yourself suffer and harden yourself with a steely resolve of a kind which reminded you of sitting through the two and half hours of Himesh Reshammiya’s Karzzzzzzz…You join in. There is no time for emotions now.

The Misdirection: You would find a few people standing near the door away from the queue with another agenda. You have to make a decision now. Whether it is going to be ‘them’ or ‘us’. You choose ‘us’ despite a history of doing the exact opposite. After all it’s just a day past Gandhi Jayanti. What would Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi do? You take pride in your decision and wait thinking the cops would be just round the corner.

The Wait: You wait. You check your mail in your WAP enabled cell phone. Regularly checking Facebook for interesting status updates. You read about the awesomeness of Ricky Ponting and Shane Watson against the hapless Poms. You wait forever.

The Sucker: Thirty minutes in the queue and you would be approached by ‘him’, the protagonist in question. He would come from nowhere, as if he just teleported from a portal, and initiate a conversation about how desperate people have become and how futile it is to stand in queues nowadays. Since you still remember Bapu, you would give a smile. Like any Hitchcock character he would shadily tell you how he is going to start another queue near the door and ask you to join him after a few minutes. Never ever talk back to that sucker. You have been warned! Don’t leave the Snake. The snake is everything that matters now.

The Push: About fifteen minutes to touchdown and you would feel it for the 1^st time. The Force would be upon you instead of being with you. It could come from either direction. You would be woken up from your slumber with incomputable Newtons of Force. With one hand tangled in the helmet you muster all your strength and remember your past academic performance at such things. You remember that you have been a champion and like a champion you don’t give up, you fight back. You push. You push with all your might. You forget about Bapu. You remember Chuck Palahniuk. You give your loudest war cry and exhort others before and after you, not to give up and push forward.

The Contact: After five minutes of stooping lowness and giving the choicest abuses to everyone you hold on to your position. The reality is, you are held by the snake. You have been sucked into the gigantic snake. You feel molested. Unmentionable body parts touch unmentionable body parts. You can feel the warm breath of everyone. Oh, the stinking armpits. Stinky farts bombs. You life force has been sucked out of you and you can’t do anything now. You are one of the cogs in the wheels of nature. You wait for the inevitable.

The Suck: At exactly 7:57 a.m (You can see the time by your watch, that’s the only thing physically possible now) the shutters open. You can only hear the sound and suddenly you feel ‘it’. You are sucked into a vacuum created by sudden disappearance of men before you. Before you realize anything you are in the next stage.

The Run: You see people running. The snake has disintegrated. The cops have appeared somehow as if on cue. You remember John Anderton in ‘Minority Report’. You say to yourself in a muted tone “Everybody Runs”. You see the narrow entrance of the now open counter and you run. You run for your life. You see the cops hammering everyone but stopping no one. You are not in a position to think and react anymore. You just run, hoping to somehow survive the wildly swinging swords of the cops. You run like Vijay Dinanath Chauhan in Agneepath. (“Ek din apni maan ko Yeh gaaon waapas karne ka hai, haain”). You survive the sword and now you are inside the sanctum sanctorum and the situation demands more from you. You have to decide quickly, and by quickly I mean picoseconds, which queue to run into. You do a John Nash type thing from ‘A Beautiful Mind’ and decide upon the 1^st queue. Skidding through the last five meters, you pull yourself back just in time before you are about to tumble into the ladies and senior citizens counter.

The Futility aka Despair: In the heat of the moment you forgot one vital fact and that is “you suck at maths”. You always have. Your heart sinks again. There are at least 15 people in front of you and all other queues are as long. You remember the status of the tickets yesterday as you still had the guts to check irctc after 9:00 a.m. You remember “WL/47” in the non-Tatkal category (Tatkal is activated only 2 days before the date of journey and that day is this very day). Now, you look at other people, not like Sachin at MCG but a Venkatesh Prasad batting at Faislabad (Has he ever, but you get the drift anyway). You become a believer. You start praying. You again do a probabilistic calculation as to how many people before you are going to travel to the same destination and you multiply that number with infinity keeping in mind all the other counters in the country. You are filled with torturous thoughts such as the irctc website functioning today and crashing. You curse yourself again. If only you had stayed at home. You wince at the thought of going back empty handed and logging into Cleartrip and shelling out unmentionable rupees through your credit card. “The horror, the horror”. Thinking these thoughts you move ahead in the queue which has now transmuted into a snail. You surreptitiously peek into the reservation form of the previous person and check for the train no. It reads 8449. You breathe slowly and wait for him to finish his ticketing.

The Moment: Finally the moment arrives. You are in front of the glass pane. The final frontier. You look at the person in the counter. The other person looks at you like Harry Callaghan in ‘Dirty Harry‘ thinking “Do ya feel lucky, punk? Do you?”. You give the form to him. He looks at it and starts hammering away at the keyboard. Your eyes are transfixed at his desktop. Then it appears ‘AVAIl-23’. Your heart is filled with infinite joy. You want to sing, dance and shout. You restrain yourself. You pay the money and get your ticket of joy. You come back home and sleep.

N.B: The stunts mentioned in the post have been performed by trained personnel and are not to be replicated by others without proper training.