A 2 Z of IPL-2009: Part I

06May09

Appam Chutiya: The greatest contribution of the Fake IPL blogger to humanity is the new term of endearment bestowed upon the Mallu Moron. It has become a catchphrase amongst the followers of the sport and has caught on the imagination of millions who have been pained by his antics which have involved Peter_Crouch_dance_moves, swirling the bat like a sword and crying like a sissy on field at different times. If the last act of his was because of a no-hug from Zinta baby he is forgiven but if it was because of One_Tight_Slap by the Pagla Paaji then he should just give up playing cricket.

Bare Naked Ladies aka Cheerleaders: Here, there and everywhere. They are the best part of IPL. You thought the IPl was about cricket? D’oh! Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow blue orange red etc. etc. Tawny, Skimpy, Eye-popping, cleavagy, mid-riffy etc etc. Last IPL was a major let down as most states were scandalized by the presence of Cheerleaders and the absence of their clothes. However this year the IPL is far away from Indian shores the cheerleaders are frolicking like there’s no tomorrow. Talking of the girls, the DC girls are the skimpiest while the RR girls are in a plethora of colours. The best move: CSK cheerleaders have this particular drill where in they imitate a six, oops a DLF maximum, being hit. Niiiiice.

Citi Moment of Success: New age Commertating (Commercial + Commentating) mantra for you. Any wicket, any four or even a dot ball has been wildly greeted as a Citi moment of success. Adding insult to injury are the DLF maximums that echo, the moment the cricket ball leaps over the boundary ropes. Aaarrgh. Citi moments of Bakchodi only.

Doosra: The secret weapon which is proving to be more potent and mysterious than the legendry COKE formula or the KFC secret recipe. Harbhajan bowls it as does Murali. It’s rumored that batsmen are spending hours in front of YouTube trying to read them. Nobody is bothered about the googly – The original wrong-un. Sad.

Edward Ranjit Fernando: He eeeeeeeeeeeeeeiss the legendary commentator from Lanka land. Aka the ‘Cauliflower from Colombo’ he is famous for his uber cool bon mots apart from the wickat sankat he puts the viewers in. His latest achievement was however calling a dot ball – ‘sartanly a citiieeeee moment of suck-cess’.

Fake IPL Blogger: He might not be a player or support staff from KKR. He might be a nobody who has become a somebody after his blockbuster blog. All his stories might have been cooked in a kitchen near you but like an excellent well cooked Dum-Biryani he leaves you hungry for more. I am a fan. BTW my money on who he might be: Saurav Ganguly.  :)

GMRao: Not to be confused with a slang of the northern variety, Grandhi Mallikarjuna Rao is the owner of the Delhi Daredevils. He might often be seen with the Modis and Bindras with his shades on and an enigmatic smile. Thankfully one of the least exposed among the franchise owners. Hope the other owners learn something quickly and let the team do the talking.

Hurricane Smith: It isn’t a wind this time and has legs, two hands and a cricket bat in them. Dwayne Smith plays for Deccan Chargers and when not bowling his dibbly dobllies, he blasts the living daylights out of the rival bowlers. He brings memories of the calypso flavour of the yore with his cross batted heaves and murderous hoicks over the square leg which in cricketing parlance is called a mere flick. With Chris Gayle out of the tournament he is the only Bajan remaining.

Improvisation: Switch Hit, Marilier Scoop, reverse flick, reverse scoop, helicopter shot and a lot more to come. T20 has given a license to batsmen to do whatever they want as long as they get runs, which is the reason we have to put up with a whole lot of new and ugly shots. Hopefully for the hapless audience the only bowling improvisation: The ‘carom’ ball won’t be making another appearance after Sachin and Sanath went mediaval on Mendis at St. George’s Park.

Jakati: He shares his first name with the best Biryani joint in Hyderabad and is from a state which till the start of the 1^st IPL was known to produce footballers, painters, rockstars and supermodels. Swapnil Ansodkar changed that perception in 2008 and Shadab Bashir Jakati is hammering it into the collective consciousness of the people that Goan cricket has come of age. If you still don’t know of him, ask Dilshan.

Korbo Lodbo Haarbo: KKR had it coming. The owners, players and fans were so busy in indulging themselves that they forgot about the three most important aspects of the game – Batting, Bowling and Fielding. They have been virtually knocked out of the tournament, lost the faith in the coach and the captain, been ditched by the owner who is back in India and busy throwing parties for Bideshi celebrities and have the best performer in an anonymous blogger.

Lalit Modi: The omnipresent face of IPL and ugly face of moneymaking. He stole Subhash Chandra’s billion dollar idea and bullied him with a sledgehammer known as BCCI, did a mandi of cricketers and came up with innovations like the Strategic Time Out. How much money is enough money? While not giving away million Rands (South African currency) to South African children he makes interesting cameo appearances during a match – sometimes drinking cocktails with a bevy of beautiful women or multitasking with a laptop and a mobile or else showing his bonhomie with franchise owners.

Malinga aka Chuck Ma-dick: Giving a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘Shooting from the hip’, Lasith Malinga is inspiring a generation of village kids who are world beaters in the gully sport of Pithoo and rubbing it in for some past masters at it, including yours truly for not pursuing a career in a different sport involving the ball. If he is allowed to get away with his chucking he might break all the timber in world till a day comes when we would have metal wickets.

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Tags: A to Z of IPL, Appam Chutiya, Cricket, Fake IPL Player, Indian Premier League, IPL, IPL 2009, Lalit Modi, Lasith Malinga, Ranjit Fernando